What I did for Halloween

Hola, reader-migos!
I started thinking about it and I've done some DIY quick costumes, but I haven't delivered a Halloween themed story! How lame is that? Fear not! I shall deliver with this post. Inspired by the essays we had to write in our earliest school days, this story will be a creepy tale told from the perspective of an innocent and unsuspecting child, reading aloud to his class.

What I did for Halloween

          My family has tradition for Halloween. At seven o'clock, my parents send me out with my cousins to go trick or treating. When I was younger my cousin Frank would take me and our cousin Sammie out, until 10pm. Then we'd go back home and their parents' would pick them up. Three years ago Frank graduated and moved, so he doesn't take us Trick or Treating anymore. Sammie is 16 now, so she's been my chaperon since Frank moved.

          This year was weird though. I noticed it when Sammie showed up. Sammie is always a really cool witch or grim reaper. I guess she was still suppose to be a witch, but I thought her costume was silly. She wasn't really wearing much and I thought she would be cold, walking around all night. Also, she was complaining from the moment her parents showed up. She kept saying that she was too old to trick or treat and that she wanted to go to her friends house instead. Neither of our parents would listen to her and even though she really didn't want to go, we left the house at 7pm like always.

          Sammie was unhappy the whole time we were walking around. It made me sad. I like Sammie and I didn't want her to be upset about being with me. We had only been roaming around for about an hour and our pillow cases weren't even half full when she gave up. She poured her pillow case into mine and told me she was going to her friends house anyway. I told her that her mom and dad would be mad. She said she didn't care. I asked her if I could go and she just laughed at me and said I'm too little. I told her I didn't know what to do. She told me even though I'm to young to go to her friends party, that didn't mean I was to young to trick or treat by myself, but to be sure I was home by ten. Then she left me.

          I stood on the street corner for awhile and tried to not be sad. After all a sad vampire is not a scary vampire. Finally, I decided to go trick or treating by myself. It was cool at first. Everyone was really nice and gave me extra candy because it was just me at their doors. I had almost filled my pillow case all the way and I still had more than an hour until ten. I started walking back towards my house when three older kids stopped me. They asked what I was doing and I told them I was trick or treating. Then they asked what I was suppose to be and I told them I was a vampire, duh! I thought it was a stupid question because of my teeth. Then they asked who I was with and I told them, it was just me. Then they pushed me down and punched me a lot. I really didn't like that, especially because they tore my costume and took my whole pillow case of candy.

          When they left I sat there for awhile and was really sad. I didn't have a bag to trick or treat with anymore and my costume  was messed up, so I decided to go home early. When I got home all of the lights in the house were off. The jack o lanterns we had spent a week making were all still lit up around the house and the creepy scarecrow decoration was in the front yard. I don't like that scarecrow, I think it's creepy. I've told my mom I thought it was looking at me before and she said I was just being silly and that it had been in our family for generations. I still don't like that scarecrow. I walked up to our front door and rang the doorbell but nobody came, so I knocked on the door and still nobody came. I walked all around the house, knocking on our windows and peeking in but I couldn't see anybody. I started to get sad and scared. I never knew what the grown ups in our family were up too while we went trick or treating, but I was starting to think maybe they went out while we were gone.

          I tried knocking on the window to the cellar again, but nobody came. I wasn't sure what they were all doing in the dark. After a few minutes the lights in my house started turning back on. I ran to the front door and knocked on it. This time dad opened the door. My parents and Sammie's parents were wearing the same clothes they had been before I went trick or treating. All  of their friends were gone and I thought that was weird, because I never saw them leave. Mom and dad were very worried when they saw me. I told them what happened. My aunt and uncle were very mad that Sammie had left me. They said they were going to go get her. I think she probably got in a lot of trouble. And that's what I did for Halloween.

Top 10 DIY All Hallows Costumes (Embodying the Spirit)

With the night this whole months about quickly approaching, we have more DIY costumes, dearest readers! This list is noticeably different than the last; gone are the geeky/pop culture references of before and in their place we get back down to the spirit of All Hallows. These are the costumes that honor the dead, honor the season and honor the fear! Not intended to win a cheap laugh or nod, these costumes are for those who take October 31st more seriously; but for some reason still have no ideas.
Which leads us to our number 10 entry for this category. An entry which I debated about using, strictly because of the stigma now associated with the genre.

10. The Vampire

The vampire is a staple choice when it comes to the spirit of Halloween. Don't make the mistake of thinking this applies to the sparkling Hot Topic generation; we are talking the age old legends of blood sucking immortals. The costume, while not being among my favorites', is an obvious, quick, DIY. Let's start with the fangs: do not waste your money on those atrocious plastic retainers that make your mouth stick out like a chimpanzee's. This doesn't mean that a custom fitted set is a necessity either (after all, those things cost a pretty penny). The simplest solution for the vampire is to purchase a set of fake acrylic nails and some denture glue (like Polydent). You will usually want to use the pinkie nail; file it down to a point, apply glue to your canine incisor, and wait for it to set. This is the key detail for all vamp costumes. Next choice you have is wardrobe. Vampires are immortal, so basically any era works. The easiest choice/option for most of us will be modern styles; but please, do not simply glue some teeth on with your everyday wardrobe, that is tacky. The allure of the vampire usually lies with its class, so you definitely want to opt for a nicer set of threads. The next crucial detail is to flare it up; while it is important to look nice, you still need to look slightly over the top: this can be achieved through accessorizing (rings, necklaces, broaches and cuff links are all great starting points) and hair styling. Whether you go with big hair, slicked hair, crazy hair or stylish the most important detail is to move away from how you would normally wear your hair. Remember as a vampire you are immortal, there will have been very little you haven't seen or experienced; with that in mind, throw inhibitions to the wind, and dress to impress!

Our number 9 entry holds a special place in my heart; a monster which no longer receives the credit it deserves and is often misinterpreted and misrepresented.

9. Frankenstein's monster

That's right folks, our beloved zombie before zombies were cool, is quickly falling into obscurity. Maybe it's because of his lack of appearances in modern media, I don't really know; but I say we bring back this scary favorite. Now, before you go getting all Karloff on me; I want you to stop and think, maybe this beast is losing hold on his scare factor, because of how little the designs changed over the years. You don't have to be a giant green lug with bolts in your neck to be this abomination. Stay true to the spirit of the story and your costume will shine. The main thing to remember is Frankenstein's monster was an assembly of corpses, in his quest to defy death. This means a heavy make up or body paint costume. The main goals of this are to make your body seem like cobbled together parts. Fake stitches are great for this, especially when used in conjunction with different makes ups (or body paints) to make the affected skin seem like a conglomeration of different hosts. Old clothes that look like something, someone should have been buried in make for great threads (check your local thrift stores and try to avoid matching). The point of this costume is to look unnatural; the more parts you can seem to be composed of the better!


Entry number 8 is the embodiment of this entire season, and a wonderful costume for honoring All Hallows.

8.  A Scarecrow

It's no coincidence we have a holiday about death, coinciding with the final days of the harvest. Ancestors from generations past revered the scarecrow because of the protection it offered to their crops. The mere sight of this image was meant to drive away unwanted pests, to ensure you had a product to gather when the season ended. Scarecrows can be made in many fashions and are almost always are very human like in form. It's like dressing up a giant doll to look like people; and guess who's people? WE ARE, so this costume is a no brainer. Obviously the more farming inspired the attire, the better. Straw is always a good accessory (however if allergies are a problem, artificial yellow grass can work too). The main clincher on any well done scarecrow costume is to hide your skin! You don't want to look that much like people, after all. Gloves are an easy fix for the hands, but the head can be slightly trickier. Personally, I do not recommend nor condone, in any way, using make up for this feat. If you think you can prove me wrong, go for it; but chances are you will look silly and comical rather than intimidating and foreboding. Burlap sacks are a great solution: they are usually what's stuffed with hay on a real one. You can go with the fake pumpkin mask/head if you want; I'm not a fan my self, but I'm also not you. The main thing to remember when making your scarecrow, is to look like an inanimate dummy; not a person who spirit glued some straw to their skin.





7. Cultist

There is just something inherently creepy about a group of people who gather together, dress darn near identical, chant to mythical beings and are ready to kill for their beliefs. Show me a cult that is not based off the perversion of a theology or mythology and I will show you a very surprised and humbled Wilshire. For the sake of the costume, I'm going to stay in the realm of Lovecrat with my descriptions (as I said before feel free to change or manipulate said advice at your leisure.) The first component to the Cultist is the robe. Just do it, it makes your costume much more identifiable. Colors are fairly open for choice, however the darker the better. Think deep reds, purples, blues and greens; or just full on go with a black one. Try to pick a material that you are comfortable in, as you want too keep the hood on (after all it hides your insane stare and identity!). If you are completely anti hood, you will need a head piece (ie. your gonna be a high priest to Dagon (or something similar)). Sigils are a nice touch, to the robe; for the Cthulhu cultist, daemonic tentacles and elder signs might be right up your alley. Necklaces or rings are a good touch: the squidder the better.  Once you have all the pieces gathered, simply work on your pronunciation and chanting of, "ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn," and your ready to herald the coming of the Old One, whom is dead but sleeping!

Maybe the Cultist isn't right for you and you'd prefer to be something they honor; which happens to be our number 6 entry.


6. Sahmain

Commonly known as a festival of the season; certain lore and mythologies actually believe in spirit or demon, behind it. This should seem like an easy costume right? Dress up as the spirit of Halloween! Don't be discouraged if you don't know where to start, its okay. This is another costume I will leave up to interpretations; however, I do plan to at least give you some pointers, if you are interested in dressing up as a more contemporary reference to this being. Who's seen the movie Trick 'r Treat? Remember the little kid looking thing in orange pajamas that ran around smiting non believers? In case you missed it, his name was Sam; short for Samhain! A wonderfully creepy costume for the season, though some what limited by height constraints. Main ingredients for this costume? Take one set of orange pajamas (you wear these): take another part, strips of orange and white fabric (these wrap around your hands and feat): combine with an old worn brown pillow case (for your treats), a big burlap sack (which will require some needle work and buttons (fyi its your head)) stretched over ball shaped wire frame and tada! A big pumpkin lollipop is a nice touch but shouldn't be considered a must.


So, maybe dressing up as the holiday isn't your particular point of interest; but you like the idea of a costume with reverence. Take a look at entry 5!

5.Pagan Gods  

Though their worship and reverence ain't what it use t be; these paganistic idols offer a wealth of choices for the costumer in need. Ranging from the armor heavy complexity of the Romans, to the gaudy accessorizing of the Egyptians and the elegant simplicity of the Greeks; there is bound to be a pagan god to fit your taste. Those of you interested in doing something like an encumbered Mars, or a bird headed Osiris; I hope you started it already, because we are down to crunch time! Hands down, the easiest way to whip up a quick divine costume is to go the toga route. Traditionally earthy tones are recommended, however this is Halloween and these are gods; just please avoid neon. Think about who your interested in and what they represent. For example, if you are a fan of Poseidon, blue is going to be a good color to represent water. More interested in a mother goddess, well than think browns and greens (colors of earth and trees (you know life giving things)). Try to accentuate the concept and colors of the god through make up; shimmering may be a good start if it fits your deity. Accessories, should be some what moderate (aside from the Egyptians or Romans) focusing mainly on sashes, broaches or chalices; and again should only be used if applicable to your particular idol. However, if you are doing a more earthly themed god, definitely consider accentuating the costume with some artificial foliage; namely vines and leaves.

The number 4 entry on our list will take us away from the divine and back to more monstrous humans!


4. A Deep One Rising

That's right folks another entry on our list, from the mythos of H.P. Lovecraft (what can I say, the guy knew creepy). The idea behind the Deep Ones is simple; human followers of Cthulhu and Dagon, who forfeit their humanity and become slithering, scaly, fish like people. That costume might be a little tricky, but a Deep One Rising, is simply a person who's beginning the transformation. The trick with this costume, is to not look full blown fishy. In terms of clothing, think more along the lines of fisherman (not the people on bass boats at the lake, the ones on the big ocean boats with nets (ieer entry on our list, from the mythos of H.P. Lovecraft (what can I say, the guy knew creepy). The idea behind the Deep Ones is simple; human followers of Cthulhu and Dagon, who forfeit their humanity and become slithering, scaly, fish like people. That costume might be a little tricky, but a Deep One Rising, is simply a person who's beginning the transformation. The trick with this costume, is to not look full blown fishy. In terms of clothing, think more along the lines of fisherman (not the people on bass boats at the lake, the ones on the big ocean boats with nets (ie. beanies, thick jackets, warm pants, corn cob pipe, etc)). Also, another option is to be a cultist undergoing the transformation, after all the two are kind of related. No matter which wardrobe you decide to use, the real details of this costume will lie with make up and scales. Think fishy! Greens, and blues are safe colors, but the options are as numerous as the fish in the sea. Next, your going to want to apply scales, sporadically on your showing skin. Rubber and latex prosthetics make wonderful materials for the scales, simply cut the shapes and size you want from the prosthetic, color accordingly with the make up you plan to use and apply with spirit glue.  Gills are an option, but not a necessity, it depends how far gone your humanity is. This is another costume with a wealth of custom options, depending how elaborate you want to go. For example, if for some reason you have bulbous eye goggles, consider using them and making your face that much fishyer! Also, you can use the acrylic nail trick we discussed for vampires, to make a set of piranha like teeth; you will have to file them more like needles and use a lot more, but it can achieve the desired affect. Slime is always a nice touch for a fishy costume too, so consider smearing some Gak (I don't know if they still even make Gak, but if not substitute for a Gak like substance) on your hands!

Alright, alright, I will quit with the H.P. costumes. Number 3 is about the most traditional Halloween costume ever!


3. A Witch

Be it the warty hags of Macbeth or the sultry enchantress costume purchased from a boutique; the witch is a staple costume for honoring the season. Sure there are plenty of stores that sell pre-fabricated get ups, but honestly this costume is a cinch. The most common costumes will be composed of a pointed hat with a matching gown; however, this is not the only way to be a witch. Robes also work for the primary attire; and also help to breach the gender lines. Green make up and warts can work, but are extremely cliche. Don't make the mistake of believing that a witch must be heinous. Colors for your wardrobe are fairly diverse: black being popular, but whites, grays, browns and greens are all excellent choices as well. The main detail to any witch costume is the accessories; rings, pendants, necklaces, brooms, wands or chalices are a variety of items which can make your costume soar. On the jewelry front its a good decision to stick with "witchy" symbols; pentacles and earth stones (quartz, onyx, amethyst, etc) will help you stay true to the lore. Older styles of brooms are nice (try to avoid the plastic ones sold in cleaning departments), but a wand can be an easy substitution (not the black wands with white tips like a magician uses; a simple well formed branch will do nicely). A fancy chalice is a superb accessory to drink your "witche's brew" from, though the reference is slightly more obscure to the general public. The best part about the witch costume is the versatility behind it; don't feel locked into perpetuating the haggard old stereo-types, just please avoid carrying your athame around on All Hallows, as sharp pointed objects to not mix well with booze or children.


As the list draws to a close, its time to get down to the nitty-gritty about what this holiday represents. According to legends, October 31st is the evening when the veil between our world and the spirit world is the thinnest; its only appropriate for the number two costume to embrace the concept of death.


2. Grim Reaper/A Reaper/Death

Here it is ladies and gentleman, coming in at number two on the list is a being or concept we all must face one day. The obvious choice to this costume is a black robe, skull mask and a scythe; its a classic and it works. I can't stand rubber masks myself (they are so damn uncomfortable) so I try to avoid them if at all possible; but that leaves a bit of a predicament, given most of us have skin over our skulls, am I right? Well thanks to modern media (entertainment like A Dirty Job, Dead Like Me and Supernatural) death has received a face lift for modern society. A reaper can be many, rather than one and robes are soooooooo Dark Ages. How about a stylish harbinger of death, wearing a suit (or other formal attire). Black is still your go to for color, however the clothes of a reaper are not that important (stick with the robes or dress formal and your set). Here we have another costume which comes down to accessorizing! Namely make up. You must look gaunt, if you plan to forfeit the skull mask. Try to use a color which makes your skin look ashen and ancient. Accentuate it by highlighting your bone structure and you are all but ready! A scythe can be a nice touch, but really isn't necessary and should only be used if it is a prop (not real!). Hour glasses make for a convincing costume, as they represent our time is running out. Also, you may want to throw on a pair of gloves rather than doing your hand make up (this way you can't touch people to make them die). It's a quick and easy costume that is always sure to be a favorite!

Drum roll please for the number 1 one costume on the list.....................................................








1. Zombies

Of course Zombies are on the list! They're the new vampires! The monsters of the current generation! And the apocalyptic scenario that everyone (or at least someone they know) has a survival plan for! Not to mention, it is hands down, the easiest costume to do. You won't have to buy any new clothes or outfits for this one; simply sacrifice stuff you already have to make your Halloween costume. The zombie can be done with the simple application of a light colored foundation, in conjunction with fake blood. Those who are more talented with make up, may find themselves adding gashes, rotting flesh, partially decomposed holes or even protruding bones; but the best part of the zombie is their individuality. Running over the shirt your plan to wear for this costume can make you a road kill zombie. Punching holes in the outfit and adding more blood can make you a bullet ridden zombie. They can be drowned, burned, drained or even have their guts hanging out. If it can result in the death of a human, it can be the basis for your zombie costume; but avoid head shots, we've got to keep some level or reality in the costume.

Have a happy Halloween everybody! And remember to be safe and stay somewhat sane!





Top 10 DIY Halloween Costumes (Geeky/Pop Culture)

'Tis the season, dear readers! Time to dress up and collect candy, give treats or get belligerently drunk! Now, most people will go to the local walmart, target or Halloween store and buy some prefabricated doofy costume.  I say NEIGH! Nothings worse than showing up to whatever gathering you attend for all hallows and having the same outfit as someone else. Over the next couple weeks, I will list my top 10 DIY Halloween costumes, so you can be certain not to commit such a fashion faux pa (and even if you do, you can be comfortable knowing your costume looks better than the store bought one!). Some of these costumes will be extremely easy to make (you may find out you have the necessary accessories lying around the house) and some may require a bit of time (or money); but regardless they will all greatly increase your chances of being unique. We are going to start with geeky/pop culture costumes and after we hit ten of those, we will progress to costumes which honor the spirit of Halloween.

This summer superheroes were the common trend in theatres, and just because their movies are coming out on Blu-ray does not mean the characters will be forgotten! Which gives me our number 10 entry for this category!

10. The Civilian Superhero!

Whether you love Green Lantern, Iron Man or Superman, you're in luck; because chances are your favorite superhero has a civilian alter ego! So, go to your closet; dig out those leather or bomber jackets, throw on some jeans, a blank Tee and some boots and you've got yourself a Hal Jordan costume! Prefer Marvel? Well start growing your goatee, throw on a tank top (aka wife beater), jeans and some work boots: hello Tony Stark! See where I'm going with this? If you've got the hair to pull it off then maybe you'd prefer to be Logan (aka Wolverine). The trick to the Civilian superhero, is the attention to detail: chances are if you show up to a party with a bomber jacket on and some jeans, some drunk @$$ won't buy you as Hal Jordan; ergo, be sure to wear your Green Lantern Ring on your right middle finger. For Tony Stark, be sure to grease and dirty up the outfit a bit and spirit glue a round touch light to your chest.

 To show you what I mean; you can wear a suit and claim to be Clark Kent; but the real clincher for the costume is what's on underneath it...

Just remember a superhero's alter ego is meant to blend in with humanity; that means they wear the clothes we wear! Figure out who you like, what "detail" makes them who they are and dress accordingly. If your having some difficulties thinking outside the box for this one, just ask and I will help however I can!


The number 9 entry will come as a no brainer to folks who know me well; it's a classic, dating back to 1976 and more relevant today than ever.

9. Jedi

That's right folks, those flashlight wielding force users, with too much bacteria in there blood are just as popular as ever; thank to good ol' George Lucas and his love of the almighty $$$. The blu-rays just dropped, Clones war on Cartoon network, Family Guy and Robot Chicken dedicated specials and even the movies are about to hit theatres AGAIN (in 3D). Sure you can go pick up one of those cheesy screen printed tunic tops at a costume shop around forty bucks (that's before you buy a lightsaber btw), but those things suck and you really don't need to waste your money on that aspect of this never ending franchise. All you need is some rubber rain boots, a karate gi and some dye. Choose your earthy tone (brown, tan, beige, whatever). Dye the gi. Put on a complementing shirt of a darker color; spray paint your boots if necessary and your pretty much good to go! Lightsabers are cheap (like $10 bux for crap ones and $25 for decent ones), and if you have an old broken down vacuum you can make one for free! The robes aren't necessary, but they are a nice touch. WARNING: If you opt for a robe DO NOT use your bathrobe (those can be saved for another costume further up the list); monk robes are cheap and look much better, or if you clever with sewing (or safety pins) just fashion a blanket or a couple yards of fabric into what you need.

Being that I plugged the Wars in my top ten list, it's only fare that I pawn the Trek too...ugh...

8. Starfleet Red Shirt

Look at it! How stupidly easy is this costume to make?!? Got a long sleeve red v-neck? Got a black t-shirt that does not suffer from the ridiculous cut of your long sleeve black one? How about black pants? Well you're all but done; either by a starfleet pin or make one out of foil: you will still look better than the crap they sell in stores. Plus this is a red shirt, in a morbid way you are honoring the dead by wearing this costume. Hell, to add a flare of humor put on some zombie make-up and burn a scorch mark into the shirt.

Okay, okay; I know I said geeky, but so far this list is pretty heavy on the Sci-fi: let's take a look into the realm of magic.

7. Hogwarts Student

Simply pull out your Sunday best, throw a robe over it and pick a tie to match your favorite house (red and gold for Gryffindor; green and white for Slytherin; navy and silver for Ravenclaw; black and yellow, black and yellow for Hufflepuff (but come on, nobody likes Hufflepuff


Our next entry is going to be more pop culture than geeky

6. South Park

That's right boys and girls; why don't you dress up as everyones' favorite foul mouth school kids! They're fun and easy to do! Take generic primary colored jacket, add generic primary colored hat, pants and gloves then voila! Don't waste your money on those craft foam abominations in the store which feature suffocating rubber masks; just bundle up for the winter and your good to go! Plus making your own costume allows you to break the mold and choose from whichever character you'd like, rather than sticking with the common faces of Cartman, Stan, Kyle and Kenny. Maybe you want to be exceptionally clever and do a costume wearing a costume, ie. Professor Chaos! This is done simply enough with the mere addition of some tin-foil accessories...and a cape. While we are on that subject, don't forget Kenny dies ALOT and in ALOT of ways...just sayin'...

Number 5 on the list is a Halloween costume no top 10 list should be without this season

5. Charlie Sheen

Of course everyone's favorite Vatican Assassin; the tigers' blood drinking, warlock himself makes the list! No living soul in all of Hollywood, better embodies the spirit of partying! He's brash, he's crazy, he's drunk, he's spun, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEE's Charlie! Love him or hate him, there's a level of fear you must feel for the mad SOB. He's had plenty of iconic film characters through the years, whether its Matt (from Red Dawn), Dick (Young Guns), Topper (Hot Shots) or the teenage version of himself (Ferris Bueller's Day Off), this pariah of the film will make a conversation piece out of any costume. Picking from one of his films to pay tribute is an obvious decision, but the best choice has to be dressing up as Charlie himself. Take any formal dressware you have, leave it on the floor until you need the costume, quit sleeping (starting like, right now) and accentuate it with a clashing Tee, then your ready. Of course this is another wonderful costume to accessorize with: my personal recommendations are flour under your nose, a constantly burning cigarette and a couple of lovely blondes on each arm (look by doing this one costume, you've made it a group project for your friends to partake in). So this Halloween, why not consider paying tribute to paganism (with your very own goddesses) and hedonism (...that's just a given) by honoring the most interesting man in Hollywood!

While we are talking about costumes that work best in groups, let's take a look at cult classic cinema that should come out to pllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

4. The Warriors

This 1979 film has been a staple go to for last minute costumes since it debuted.  It works wonderful as a group project (if you have friends who don't know what to do) and it doesn't lose any novelty for those who want to run solo. For the gang the movie is named after, all you need is a leather vest and bit of talent with fabric paint or a bejeweller. It leaves plenty of accessorizing open for those who like to go above and beyond, but its still simple for those who just want a quick throw together. Don't feel limited to stick with the namesake either; this movie produced a plethora of gangs for those who like to delve into the more obscure. Whether you're a Baseball Fury, Bopper, Riff, Orphan, Punk, Turnball AC or Lizzie (that's right there's an all girl gang too!) there's a specific group to meet just your fancy.

We will return to movie references soon, but first let's talk iconic video game costumes.

3. Street Fighter 2 (and up!)

Arguably one of the most iconic fighting games of ALL time the Street Fighter franchise offers a wealth of costuming opportunities for all levels of costume builders. Got some camo pants and green tank top? Hello Cammy for the ladies or Guile for the guys! Simply obtaining a martial arts gi sets you up to be Ken, Ryu, Dan Hibiki or Akuma (just pick your dye and body type!) Any females out there who have a left over geisha costumes (from previous years), ,you are a few minor alterations from being Chun-Li. Perhaps body painting is your particular costume of choice, interested in Blanka? The point is, if you are a gamer Street Fighter offers a vast array of wardrobes to appeal to your level of costuming expertise!

Back to the movies.

2. The Dude

Remember the bathrobe I told you NOT to waste on a silly Jedi costume? Here is a much better use for it! The Dude from The Big Lewboski is the easiest last minute costume in the history of EVER: providing of course you've got the beard and hair to pull it off (but let's face it, if you're planning to put this little of effort into your costume, I'm sure your grooming will reflect it). The motivational poster says it all; simply have a white russian in hand and you shall abide.

This brings us to the number one DIY costume for Geeky/pop relevance; aka, the shameless plug.

1. Mandalorian Mercenary

I would be morally remisced as a representative for this LFL certified, multi national, charity, costuming charity, if I didn't plug them. Let it be known: this is hands down, the MOST DIFFICULT DIY Halloween costume on the list! No buying a some cheap-o Boba Fett costume, to rock it like the devout members of this group. In all actuality this project can be done relatively cheap (for a hefty investment of time) or relatively quick (for a hefty investment of finances). If you want to have this ready for the quickly approaching date of October 31st, you are going to need at least a grand of disposable income. If your not sitting on a pile of expendable cash, this costume will be better suited for next years Halloween, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't start planning now! Be sure to check out our website mercs.firespray.net/ to see the variety of different styles the group encompasses. If your interested in building one of these beasts for this season, be sure to take a look at the trading station in our forums, to start purchasing the necessary materials which will elevate you to a whole new level of Geekdom. Just imagine how much fun it will be to ring a door bell for treats, and approach the home owner with a trick like this!

What's in a belief?

Welcome back my friends, to the blog that never ends!
After a short sabbatical and discussion period, to  revise the next evolution of Story Time, it returns with a vengeance! This weeks post will address a topic of discussion which has been reoccurring with my peers sense In the Case of Mathematics vs. Gods, Religions and Other Worldly Philosophies, began to make its way to wanting eyes: what do I believe? I'm not going to bog this intro down discussing what lies ahead, but be warned religion and philosophies are discussed; if that's not something you want to deal with then you probably should stop reading this post, AFTER you finish the intro. This rant is the first post for the month of October and is just a little something to remind the interwebz community this blog lives. In the coming weeks expect to see My Top 10 DIY Halloween Costumes (there will be a category for geeky/pop cultural relevance and a category for the Honoring the Spirit of All Hallows (if more than 20 DIY ideas come to me I may add an additional category, but that's unconfirmed)). This idea was sparked with the barrage of text messages I've received sense October 1st, of people asking me how to make costumes (I swear you build a couple sets of armor and suddenly your the go-to for last minute ideas). Going into November, I haven't decided what topics we will cover in the blog, but I assure you weekly posts are returning, so do not forget about Story Time!!!
For those of you, who are interested in what's happening with the book, here's an update: currently, nothing. I've continued contacting and sending queries to agents, but as of yet nothings confirmed. I know some of you are probably sad about this, because you want to know what fate ultimately holds for Pan and Rio, but fear not loyalists I am here for YOU! I figure, just because I'm not making money off the book, doesn't mean I should deprive interested parties from reading it; ergo, starting today Story Time by Wilshire, is offering a challenge: every time the number of followers on the blog is doubled, I will post an additional chapter. Currently, between networked blogs and blogspot we have a wopping 16 followers, which means if we can get that number up to 32 I will post chapter 7; when it hits 64 you get chapter 8, etc, etc. And I am perfectly willing to post the entire book on this website, for free, if enough people follow it! The problem right now is, few are getting to read it: that is not why I wrote it. I want people to read it, I would rather give the entire story away for free, if there's enough demand, rather than let it collect dust: plus I'm working on book two and I know that those who have read the entire story, want to know what happens next. So, there's your challenge readers! Go forth, tell your friends, tell your Facebook buddies, tell your coworkers, tell random strangers! If you bring the readers I will give you the book! With the future of the blog and the book discussed, consider the intro over: so as I said before, if you want to avoid rants about religion and philosophy run away now :D

What's in a Belief?

As I’ve tried to pave my way into the world of novelist; I’ve noticed an interesting re occurrence in discussions with my peers. What is my theology? What do I believe? To quote a close friend who was perusing my manuscript, “this thing’s pretty damn sacrilegious.” So today we are going to break the taboo and discuss the dirty word that is Religion!

Let’s clarify some of the common questions to start: I am not an atheist; I do not practice ancient pagan rituals; I am not a heretical Christian. To put it bluntly, I have no religion; they are all the same thing, with different accessories to fit any individual’s specific needs. I am a philosopher. I question everything; sometimes I find answers; most of the time I find more questions. You want to know what I believe; well here is what I’ve got so far, in a nut shell.
First off, modern philosophy is fundamentally flawed. No one has ever proven that we exist; the earliest arguments often suffered from solipsism and as a result it was pretty much accepted that we exist and we built upon it from there. I am an empirical pluralist (this is already setting up to be fun; am I right?): this essentially means, I believe in multiple realities and I can only know what I personally experience. When I say there are multiple realities what I mean is; every person, every single one of us has our own perceptions, and this dictates our perceived reality. My reality can never be your reality: even if I walked 500 miles in your shoes, that is still me in your shoes: I cannot know, what you know. I can be empathetic, sympathetic and even have similar experiences, but ultimately I am not you and you are not me, therefore we can never truly know, what the other is experiencing. Is there one true reality? Probably. I mean, we all see and experience the world around us and are able to classify, recognize and identify similar aspects within it; however, the ability to perceive the true nature of reality, I believe, is beyond the limited capabilities of the human mind. This entire concept is very similar to Plato’s perception of forms. I do not know that there is a true reality, I can merely assume there is from the experiences I’ve had; I do know however, that the reality you have is not my reality, it is yours; therefore I know there are multiple realities.

Back to us being animals; we are. However, we hold a very unique ability when compared to others and it is our capacity for reason. Though we are animalistic by nature, we truly are beings of reason: it’s this unique feature of our brain chemistry which has led to the creation of the human soul. However, we greatly undersell our abilities as humans. We are always anxious to credit others with our accomplishments and failures. “God saved me,” “the devil is punishing me,” these things are not happening; this is a case of your ego prevailing over your conscious. You are unable to face the depths of darkness and the peaks of power within yourself, so you scapegoat the credit to some divine being.

So what is the purpose of life? To die. Kind of dreary right? Well it’s the only constant we know. Life is chaos. The random improbable occurrences that led to the mere chance of us existing are astronomical; but the universe is big! Really, really big. Though we have a projected size for our universe, we do not have an answer for what lies beyond that, or beyond that, or beyond that, etc. I assume existence, this whole general mish mash, is infinite. How big is infinite? Never ending. What does that mean? Anything that can happen; has, will and is happening somewhere. Are we alone in the universe? Experience would point to yes, but reasoning dictates no. Basically, there is no point to life, it is chaotic and just happens; however, you dictate your own reality, ergo you create your own meaning to life! YAY, we are all the authors of our own existence!

That not doing it for ya? Yeah, me either; let’s take a minute and evaluate what we are currently looking at.

1. Philosophy, as we know it, is fundamentally flawed.

2. Religion is a false construct created by humans to explain the unknown, nicely.

3.Life is unique to each of us, but ultimately meaningless.

Now, I know what you are thinking; if that’s the case, let’s embrace chaos! Woot woot anarchy!

No. That is not what we do. The concept of anarchy is in itself an oxymoron and is ultimately a coward’s response when faced with the truth. This takes me back to a point I made before, we are beings of reason. Each of us, individually, knows what we perceive to be right and wrong, good and evil, just and unfair. Our opinions of the subjects may differ but the concepts are universal. Here’s where I start to get a bit preachy; given our superior reasoning capabilities compared to other animals, we have a moral obligation to be responsible. I don’t need god to tell me not to kill people, I know that it’s wrong given I don’t want people to kill me. What does this responsibility entail? Well, it means we must honor that which gives us life; the planet earth. Now, before you go set up an altar to the mother goddess, let me finish. I don’t mean praises and sacrifices; what I mean is controlled consumption. Think of it this way; when you change the oil in your vehicle, do you dump it in your bottle of water and drink it? When you go to the bathroom, do you make sure to pile it where you sleep? No you don’t; these are stupid things to do. Now, extrapolate this to a larger scale, and maybe the picture will begin to resolve. WE must stop acting as if we are entitled to do what we want to the earth and each other; rather we must be grateful that we’ve had the chance to exist on it and interact with its fellow inhabitants. How do we show this gratitude; by ceasing to destroy our world. We have evolved past the point of natural selection; in the sense that modern amenities and medicine allow us to live when we shouldn’t. I am an example of this. I was an asthmatic, overweight, uncoordinated child. According to the properties of natural selection, I should have died when my parents took me home and the new paint in the house caused my breathing to stop. But I didn’t, because I was taken back to the hospital and modern medicine was able to bitch slap the natural order of the world. Is this wrong? Yes and no. I’m not going to go out and kill myself to restore order; however, I do acknowledge that every breath I take, every moment I’m awake is borrowed time and I bask in all of them. You see, the world is not a tool meant for us to bend to our will, but that is exactly what we do. You don’t have to have a Serta mattress to sleep; we made those. You don’t have to have a car to travel; we made those. Now I am not proposing we hang the lot of humanities accomplishments and go back into the forests with spears in hand; however, it is time we acknowledge the wrongs we’ve done and accept the consequences. WE must admit there is a problem, before we can begin to fix it and I assure you WE CAN fix it. The infinite compassion of divinity is within all of us; it is not God, Allah, Jesus, Buddha, or Krishna; it is me, you, your neighbor and complete strangers. Look in a mirror, the greatest evil, demon and obstacle you will ever face is staring at you. It is your personal insecurities and uncertainties parading about your mind under the guise of your ego. Reject the self, the individual; embrace that, though life is meaningless chaos, you have the ability to recognize that through reasoning and thusly have the responsibility to make it better, for yourself and everyone else. Change does not have to be radical; it simply must be embraced.

Back to thinking I’m an atheist? That’s fine; let’s chat about death and you will probably sing a different tune.

What happens when we die? Well, if I’ve done it before, I can’t remember. Ultimately it boils down to one of two things: A) that’s all she wrote and welcome to an eternity of nothingness or B) the soul moves on in some manner. Most atheists will conform to choice A. Most of the Religious community prefers option B. Personally I really don’t know. Logic and reason point to option A…kind of. Let’s talk physics for a moment: it is a law of physics that energy cannot be created or destroyed it can only change forms. Now, let’s examine the human body. It is a vessel of energy; we have electrical impulses traveling through our neural synapses so our brain can work and make the rest of our body function. What happens to this energy when we die? It cannot simply cease to exist, or we ignore a fundamental property of physics. Perhaps, every step we take, every pump our heart makes and every breath we exhale is that finite energy escaping our body: essentially, spreading our energy everywhere we go until the day we die. Now, I said before that the soul was a human construct, but now I ask the question, what if we have labeled this energy within us all as the soul? By this logic option B is starting to make more sense. We transfer are self to all things and thus when we die our soul, technically, moves along. Perhaps this energy will meld with others and eventually regain consciousness; similar to reincarnation. Perhaps in times of stress we leave this energy behind when we die, either in a location, with an object or possibly on a person; thus haunting this thing long after our physical body depletes: like ghosts! Now when it comes to the paranormal, I am a skeptic, however I have had personal experiences which make me question. As I said before, I am an empiricist; short of me finding a full body, intelligent, apparition, I will remain a skeptic.

Now in terms of the paranormal you have three types of haunts; residual, intelligent and demonic (bear with me while I explain please). A residual haunt is an event that reoccurs which cannot be interacted with; like a video on loop. Perhaps this happens because so much energy was involved in the situation, it continually manifests…that’s what paranormal research tells you; personally I don’t buy that. A residual haunt, if they exist, seems more like a slip in space/time to me (that’s right, we are about to get Sci-Fi up in here). I said before that we are incapable of knowing true reality; I believe this is the mind and body’s self defense mechanism. We perceive space and time as linear: extending from one point, outward to another: this perception is wrong. Space/time is neither flat, nor linear: but I also do not believe that it is fluid either. The ability to articulate the structure of it is not something the human mind is capable of; but I will give my best analogy. Think of a ball of yarn: that is space/time. Everything wrapped together; the beginning shrouded somewhere beneath all else. To take it a step further, what if these “threads” can pass through one another? This is what I feel residual haunts are.

Intelligent haunts, I break down to two categories: people and (for lack of a better description) earth spirits: I am not referring to the modern perception of pixies, leprechauns and tricksters (though I do believe our ancestors could have labeled them as this). An earth spirit is not a physical or ethereal creature; it is simply an embodiment of natural primordial energy: i.e. chaos. It is not here to help or harm, and it really isn’t even an “it” as we understand and label with the concept. They are simply primordial chaotic energy that messes with you. Earth spirits don’t seek worship, they don’t seek attention nor communication; they simply manifest unexplainable chaos around those they encounter. People spirits are simply that: the residual energy an individual leaves when they die. This could happen for multiple reasons; perhaps they died before their body could naturally dispel its energy; maybe they were so focused on not dying that the energy remained in some way (like the whole “unfinished business” idea). Also, the person may have become their life; with their entire being so focused on performing their daily grind, their energy remains, after their body fades, to go through the motions.

Next up is demonic haunting…this sounds to religious so I’m going to go ahead and use the term daemonic, instead. A daemonic haunt is not a demon, devil nor monster; it is us. People can be really evil; they can also be very nice, but our inherent reactions are usually evil (we only are able to surpass these base instincts through reasoning). This evil enters the world through thoughts, actions and voice. When left to brood long enough or feed off of similar feelings, this energy grows in power. I personally believe that most cases of daemonic haunts are simply misinterpreted earth spirits (natural chaos energies). A daemon is not an ancient energy, simply a concept we have empowered. Suddenly I don’t sound like an atheist so much, huh? More like a witch. That term still doesn’t work for me though. I will admit the Wicca’s have some good ideas, but ultimately I feel there personification of the world and its elements is as much of an insult to existence as any other religion.

So there you have it. These are my feelings about existence: I don’t really fit into any religion; I’m not really an atheist; I’m just a person with very few answers and a heap of questions. Rant done.





Dusting

Howdy, howdy y'all!
Long time no post, but I'm back and I'm changing things up yet again! Basically, the choose your own story didn't seem to catch on as much as I would have liked; now if someone wants to hear a tale, feel free to comment me here or on Facebook. I will not be doing them weekly anymore, but I will still do them for you. The latest overhaul is for a few reasons:
1) Some characters and/or stories introduced were alot of fun and I'd like to mess around with them later (thus breaking my number one rule of story time :D)
B) I seem to get more views/hits when I post my own stories and thus I will start posting tales I've been thinking about wanting to write.
III) As much fun as the blog is, I don't want to operate it under a schedule or guidlines. If I want to rant; I will rant. If I want to tell a tale, I will tell a tale. If I want to open up a discussion and or debate, I will open up a discussion and or debate.
So, there's a couple excuses for everyone. Today's post will be a rant. It's something I wrote awhile ago and have discussed with some people, but haven't posted anywhere. Take a look and tell me your opinions on the matter! Fyi; I wrote this before November 2010 and was going to allow it to fade into obscurity, however, nobody else seemed to realize the points I was trying to make; so let's try this again.

qwerty



    Alright folks, we stand on the cusp of a cultural movement, one that can shift our entire way of life; this revolution I speak of is a technological forked road; pad or cellphone? Holiday season this year will yield the first real market competitor against the ipad; the Samsung galaxy pad, and not only is it set to be a competitor but it is, going by the stats, superior to the ipad; it’s a clearer picture, bears adobe flash player (a perk not privy to any pad nor cellphone), lighter, yields a longer charge and runs on the android 2.2os (called froyo) with upgrades to the system planned clear on through to their next product which is set to be better than this galaxy (called honeycomb). Why is this a cusp, you may ask? After all, we already have laptops and cellphones, the pad is just another piece of tech we don’t need. This was my first inclination toward the product, anyway. However, the launch of the product made me evaluate the number of technical garabage that has soddered itself to my persons. The most useful piece of tech I have acquired is the laptop: it’s a portable computer, gateway to the internet, personal assistant, task managing, gaming, program, treasure trove and being I don’t have a desktop, the most important piece of tech I can have. Next comes the ipod (the second one I have purchased; the first one had a destroyed screen and worked for a good year and a half with the damage before being stolen), currently not in commission as it has mysteriously decided to stop working; the nice folks at apple inform me that the current display means my ipod was dropped, I do admit to this but note that it was dropped nearly 4 months prior to one day deciding it was unhappy; apple then informs me that is odd, but because it was dropped it is not covered by the warranty; the internet tells me to smack it to make it work, yet this only yields an angry grinding noise (which i'm told is normal and means its fixed) followed by the same out of commission message.
    Following the ipod is my cellphone, or as I like to call it, my more practical ipod. I am a droid user, recently converted from blackberry, and I must admit the droid really does; don’t assume that means there is nothing the droid is incapable of, because in reality there is a great deal the droid is incapable of; but even in this respect the droid does, it is extremely easy (once affluent in the droid os) to rule something out as incapable by the droid in under 1minute (and even someone not affluent, but willing to try can do it in under 10 (I a lot 10 incase of a refusal to admit defeat)). The droid is my practical ipod because it media storage space and apps elicit the same features to me that my ipod did (and in many cases more options). Beyond that it has text messaging, phone use, and even skype! (yes I can use my phone to talk on the phone on the internet!). All these wonderful things my phone yields me all come at a price, its not as efficient as my laptop! Its slower, more compact, doesn’t multi task as well….but for a portable glimpse into the world wide web it gets the job done.
    Portable game systems have latched on to me as well, however there place in this argument is more eronious as, their primary function is entertainment, and Im here to discuss practicality (rememeber cultural cusp). So, my main frustration came from these three electronic devices that all did similar things, and were applicable to specific situations; I found myself wondering why the hell they couldn’t just make one damn thing to do all this? I am a huge fan of douglas adams and this question made me cry out for my real life hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy. While crying, my thoughts drifted to the ipad and I realized they were on their way. Suddenly I wasn’t looking at a device that was just another piece of tech garbage, I was looking at the possibility of my real life hitchhiker’s guide. Here was a device, that has all the benefits of my ipod as a base program, has the apple equivalents of all the wonderful things my cellphone does sans making calls (could be a problem), and is more portable (albeit more pretentious) to carry around than my laptop. If only it could make calls, well with skype it kind of can; suddenly this piece of tech garbage has fufliled the duties of my lesser electronics and while it may not be a full scale computer the tech can only get better until it may be.
    I ask you now to remember a time before computers, a time of typewriters; a time that necessitated, what we call today, qwerty. You see, type writers suffer from a flaw; they carry each symbol on an individual arm that slams into the paper in the machine, then lunges away leaving the imprint of the symbol corresponding to the button pushed. The original typewriters had a keyboard organized in typical a-z format, this elicited an unfortunate problem, as typers increased their speeds, they began to cross and jam the slamming arms; this required a re-tooling, a way to slow typers down and spread out key strokes to avoid jams and voila qwerty is born. Now come back to today and look at your keyboard or qwerty pad on your phone; you may notice when you use it there are no arms slamming forward to imprint your symbol, rather there is a stream of binary that is sent through your system and processed into pixels, which appear as any choosen symbol. The nice thing about a binary code linked to a key stroke, is that it wont cross other binary codes. This means qwerty is shown for its true colors; non efficient. Ha! You may say to me, my argument can only be waged against those who have experienced this. Remember a time, not so far back, when most cellphones didn’t have qwerty keyboards, but mearly 10key. Now, if you remember 10key cellphones, then surely your remember our predictive friend, t9. I ask you to remember, did you text with t9? Did you learn to text faster with t9 than you could type on a keyboard? Did you learn t9 to the point where you could text with t9 while the phone was in a desk, pocket, purse or bag? If you can answer yes to any of these, I have a seceret to tell you: it’s because t9 and even simple base 10key, is more efficient than qwerty. You are welcome for the history lesson, but I assure you it has a point, you see, cellphones, laptops, ipods, those are qwerty, we are familiar with them, its what we know so why change it. The pads, are t9; they are a more effective solution. I don’t take my laptop with me everywhere I go, its impractical. However, I assure you 50% of the time I don’t have it, a situation will arise where my phone or ipod wont cut it. The perfect solution would be a pad. It’s almost a laptop and can do everything my phone or ipod can, but do I really want another monthly fee for another product? No I don’t. But, I could drop my cellphone fee if I switched to a coverage plan on a pad, with skype I’m still in communication with the world. It may be scary to think of laying down the cellphone but I implore you too! We don’t need to be at the beck and call of everyone at any given moment. Sure you can turn the phone off, but do you? Just think, with a pad you still have the convience of a portable multimedia device, but you also gain the larger size and easier ability to set it down and gain some distance. It’s a breath of fresh air to me, but I fear unless we can lay down the cellphone, the wind will be knocked out of me. As it stands, the main competitior against the ipad will only be available through a wireless provideror (where as the Ipad comes in a plan and nonplan version); we saw a product like this recently, the mini laptops, if you were one of the ten people to get that, im sorry. However, it yielded this fantastic opportunity of the pad! Let’s not let the pad go the way of the mini lap top and t9, let embrace this cultural change, lets carry our sketch pad, notebook, anybook, tv, video phone, gps, portal to the internet! Come with me my friends, lay your cellphones, ipod and laptops down and walk away from qwerty.

The Intergalactic Exploits of Nah Lonely Part 2

Welcome to installment two of the The Intergalactic Exploits of Nah Lonely! Will this be the last we see of Nah? Will there be a part 3? You can read part 2 and then tell me!
Never, has a story time entry been revamped and redesigned soooooooo many times before its post. Originally planned as a three part miniseries to occur over the weekend, the Exploits of Nah Lonely were forced to undergo a number of revisions. Why so much revising you ask? Well, being away from my portal to the Sub-Etha net for a few days made it difficult to post. Unable to get online I was left to reread Nah's exploits and ultimately molded two stories into one, to show appreciation for your patience reader. Will there be another story or follow up for Nah Lonely? You tell me!

This weeks submissions were:
Setting: Deep Space
Genre: Steam punk
Characters: Space Bears
Teenage Martian monkeys
Protagonist: Nah Lonely: Space pirate/privateer
Antagonist: Galactic Federation Ship Capt. Jimmy Timbuk Perk
　
　

　

The Intergalactic Exploits of Nah Lonely

Part 2

After getting back to the Raven, it didn’t take long to see that wryly old grizzly had been completely serious. The semi polished girders and flooring of the engine room, were now a mess of wires and pipes; all culminating into some sort of phallic protrusion, imbedded just above the opening of my combustidium burner.
I feel violated and angry; but I can’t. If this prototype engine can really do what its suppose to and the Federation knows it exists, I’ve gotta run before I get tagged with it. I pick up a pail of combustidium and shovel three scoopfuls into the burner; that should be more than enough fuel to get me into the Sol system.
Leaving the engine room, I make my way through the worn but maintained corridors of my precious ship. She may not be the latest model or the most retro fitted, but she has saved my life more times than I can count. The reassuring thrum of her inner machinery at work starts to spread forward from the engine room; with the fresh batch of fuel, she’s waking up and powering on.
Inside the cockpit I find another unexpected addition; a large red button has been installed amongst the levers that control my astro train. Leave it to Space Bears to harness the greatest travel advancement in a giant cliché.
Whether or not I’m going to do this mission is irrelevant, one way or another I gotta start moving. I grasp the drive rod and shift it to locomotion, before releasing the wheel lock. With a slight turn of the stack valve, steam begins to escape the exterior towers and the Raven begins to exit the landing bay and approach the launch pad.
I flip the three switches on my transistor and rotate the dial to the planet’s traffic control station. The speakers crackle while the frequencies located. I take the microphone from its housing on the transistor, depress the on button and make contact.
“This is Centennial Raven, requesting launch clearance on pad 1138.”
“Centennial Raven, this is Krrrrylk traffic control, you are clear for launch on pad 1138.”
“Thank you control.”
Once the ship is settled nicely on the landing pad, I reset the wheel lock and shift the drive rod to the take off position. The engine quits creating forward motion and focuses solely upon pushing all steam out of the smoke stacks and into the helinium canopy. I turn the stack valve until its fully open, feeding more steam out of the towers. Slowly, she begins to lift. The climb starts fairly slow, like a newly filled dirigible. With the ground receding below, I need but wait to achieve necessary altitude.
As she advances to the necessary height, I tighten the stack valve, until her ascension stops and we are only hovering. With take off achieved, I shift the drive rod to the flight position; the mechanisms in the canopy and smoke stack shift; with no further steam being pumped that direction the canopy separates and folds out; giving the Raven her wings. The redirected steam finds its way to the main propulsion drive and begins to power the system. The conical engine protruding from the rear of the ship, begins to spin and while she slowly starts to fall, forward motion is achieved. While the speed increases until the ship reaches a necessary velocity to perpetually orbit the planet; then with a final loosening of the stack valve, the Centennial Raven achieves just enough force to break the orbit of the planet, and uses the celestial bodies own gravity, to sling shot the ship into space.
Now, to the nearest worm hole gate; with any luck I can jump from this system, before this sublimation drive, gets me into any trouble. The biggest problem is the nearest gate, the Centari Gate will provide me with a direct shot to the Sol gate; too bad both of them are federation controlled and operated. Technically, I can use it. I have all necessary licenses and credentials, to operate within the federation as a privateer; and unless my old buddy Perk is on guard duty at either of them I shouldn’t run into any problems. But do I really want to do this mission? I suppose I should make my decision quick; the sooner I act the less chance of anyone catching wind of it. Ah, what the hell; I haven’t been to earth in a while.
I fly the Raven into line behind the other warp travelers. A single Pan Galactical dreadnaught guards the entrance; momentarily detaining every passer by, long enough to check their credentials. It seems like a good sign; no ones being rerouted or captured.
Moment of truth; before I have a chance to rotate the transistors dial to the necessary frequency, the federation auto tunes it for me.
The speakers crackle, “Centennial Raven, Please transfer operating licenses and credentials now.”
“Transfer pending,” I respond; before flipping the transmitter switch, sending digitized forms of my operating parameters across the sub-etha net.
There’s a pause.
“Nah Lonely, during our routine, pre warp travel, scan of your vessel; you have been found harboring, stolen Federation property! You are ordered to power down your ship and await boarding!”
“You scanned my ship? On what grounds! This is illegal!”
“Negative Nah Lonely. The Federation has recently passed new addendums, decreeing that any vessels intending to navigate Pan Galactical Controlled regions, forfeit any and all rights to privacy in said vessel. Again, you are ordered to power down your ship, Nah Lonely!”
Well ain’t that a bitch; you avoid Federation space for awhile and the bastards go all megalomaniac. And I love how, they call the drive, “federation property” that reeks of a treason charge.
“Nah Lonely! Your continued ignoring of our Federation orders, will not be tolerated. The PNGSS Headhunter, is preparing to fire tractor beams at you; resist and be…”
CLICK
“DI-DI-DI-DI-Dum-Dum-Dum-Da-Da-Da-DI-DI,” I really don’t care what the Federation has to say to me; and for what I’m about to pull I need some relaxing tunes.
Opening the steam valve to max, I slam the accelerator forward and pull back on the stabilizer. The Raven, easily shoots out of the tractor beam lock and barrels into the worm hole gate.
Safe from pursuit at the moment, because of the physics in worm hole travel, I know the security won’t last. The federation will be waiting for me at the other gate and I’d hate to stand them up, but you don’t fly through unsanctioned worm holes without picking up a few tricks. I will pop out of this light tunnel, long before its intended exit, and then as long as I keep a low profile, I should make it to earth undetected.

“Da-Da-Da-DI-DI-DI…”

CLICK
“WAH-WAW-WAH-WAW-WAH!” Now there’s a fancy trick, even the transitors bulbs are flashing red.
“WAW! CENTENNIAL RAVEN! YOU ARE OPERATING INSIDE OF FEDERATION CONTROLLED SUB-SPACE WITHOUT PERMISSION AND WITH STOLEN CONTRABAND! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST BY THE PAN GALACTICAL FEDERATION AND OUR ORDERED TO SURRENDER UPON REENTRY TO REGULAR SPACE! WAH-WAW-WAH-WAW-WAH-WAW!”
I try to rotate the dial, to a less annoying station. No luck; don’t know how they did it, but seems the Federations learned how to jam communications within sub-space. Well that’s a shame.
Pulling free my Zap-Tess-4000, I aim it at my radio and fire a blast of electrical plasma at it. The federation can’t jam something that’s a smoldering heap. It’s really such a shame.
Now I just wait; I light my self a cigarette to enjoy the solace. I push the ash tray compartment, located just south of the new red button, and to my dismay nothing happens.
Again I poke, and again nothing happens.
I punch, continued nothing.
I kick and I quit.
I hate space bears.
The molten pile of my radio will have to make do as my butt can, for now.
After a few, fuel conserving adjustments to the controls I return to the task at hand of watching for my exit. The problem most people have with wormholes is the assumption they have but one exit; wherever they end. For someone looking for exact transport this is true, but to someone familiar with the stars, some one who knows their way around the galaxy, wormholes can provide a less exact means of transport any where in the universe. Simply ride out on one of the light rays that composes the fabric of sub-space and find yourself anywhere between your two connecting worm hole gates.
Sure it’s dangerous ‘cuz you could always smash into a planet, or star, or asteroid, or ship, or any number of other debris, but there is certainly a reason why its not common practice. I’m gonna find me one of these light rays that will deposit me right inside the earth atmosphere, or at least close to earth…
These green ones are looking promising. Pressing the stabilizer down, I jam the accelerator to a stop. I cross my fingers as I embark on the most important step of prematurely exiting a worm hole; getting lucky.
For moment, there is nothing but verdant. As the emerald radiance begins to waver, darkness and streaking lights begin to define. As I renter the real space, I pull back on the stabilizer with all of my might; hoping to avoid the screen of asteroids directly ahead of me. Though the ship is no where near the speed of light anymore, its velocity is still far beyond an acceptable level to be controlled by a human. The ship continues to arc, but not drastically enough. Her left wing slams against an asteroid, shattering the stabilizing fin, and making the task of landing very difficult. Still her arc continues, liberating her from the impending doom of asteroids, and careening directly for Mars.
I battle with the controls, trying to slow my damaged ship down. The effort pays off; control is returned, speed is reduced, and now I can avoid Mars and head to earth. The worm hole didn’t put me exactly where I would have liked, but I’m not dead so that’s good.
While passing by Deimos, another problem presents itself. A group of space marauders, launch from the moons surface, in single person steam pods. Under normal circumstances this wouldn’t be a problem, but as it stands I’ve got diminished maneuvering capabilities. Before I can even power up the first chain gun, they reveal their intentions; the six pods hit me with magnetic toe lines and break back toward the moon, with my damage ship intow.
I gun the accelerator but its too late; they’ve already shorted it out with one of their toe lines. Well, this is great; once I get stuck on that planet, I can’t get off until I fix the broken wing.
They disengaged their lines about ten feet from the surface, dropping my astro train rather hard. With their cargo safely deposited; my abductors land their pods and make their way for my entry door. Their banana yellow space suits, tell me exactly who I’m dealing with; another example of humanities ignorance at work; it’s a gang of teenage Martian monkeys.
Not to say all Martian monkeys are teenagers, but this particular gang looks young and hijacking injured ships is a common practice for adolescent Martian monkeys.
How do I even want to handle this? I can’t waste my time here; I’m wanted by the federation and I’m right inside their hometurff. But does that really give me a right to waste a bunch of angry kids? No, I can’t.
Navigating my way from the cockpit, I make the journey to the ships entrance hatch; pausing briefly to mount a Breath-O-rator over my face, before opening the hatch and preparing to handle the situation out side.
The door grinds open to reveal all six disgruntle youths facing my entry way with their hands behind their backs.
I step forward and start to speak; “All right you kids! You’ve had your fun, no go on and get out of here.”
Their response is to reveal what they were hiding behind their backs’.
When the last handful of monkey feces pelts my face, the poo flingers erupt in laughter, hoping up and down, while pointing and laughing. After they finished their hysterics, the ring leader shouted, “cowabunga!” before leading his posse back to their pods and stranding me.
As I continued to stand in my entry, covered in Martian monkey doo, looking over the barren surface of Demios; I made the mistake of wondering how things could get worse.
The thought had barely materialized when a response made itself known. The ridiculous discus bridge, with its stupid giant engines, entered the atmosphere and loomed above my Raven.
A powerful PA system on the frigate, erupted with sound to address me specifically.
“Nah…Lonely…” the irritatingly brazen, buffoon spoke, “THIS IS….Captain……Jimmy…Timbuk………….Perk.”
I hate him so much.
“Of the…Pan….Galactical…….Federation.”
If only I could shoot out his PA the way I shot my radio; then I wouldn’t have to listen to him anymore.
“I AM…placing YOU…under arrest…for….smuggling and…piracy….and….treason. YOU MUST…Surrender…your….SELF….Immediately.”
Screw this. I’m not hanging around to listen to this imbecile. I close my entry hatch and throw my shit covered Breath-O-rator to the ground. I can still hear that annoying voice as I make my way to the cockpit.
“I………..will USE….any……force…….that’s….necessary…..to…..detain….you…..if I………….mUST!”
I look at the intrusive red cliché in my cockpit and light myself a new smoke.
“Well….anything is better than listening to that idiot….into the breach!” I yell; while pressing the red button.
Instantly, the entirety of the Centennial Raven became gaseous and vanished in a puff of steam, leaving the Captain of the Cumulus, rather confused about what to do next.


***To be concluded?***

By: Michael Wilshire